What A Friend I Have [1.7]

re·fine·ment

/rəˈfīnmənt/

(noun) the process (a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end) of removing (eliminate or get rid of) impurities (mixed with foreign matter; adulterated) or unwanted (not or no longer desired) elements from a substance.

With Joane and Jessica’s social groups caught up in the naivety of teen exploration, platonic friendships flexibly evolved into stints of crushes, early stages of full blown relationships, and very real heartbreaks. That whole period was a crash course in distinguishing different kinds of love: phileo, crazy in “love,” and puppy love. Lil Jon's Lovers and Friends low-key could’ve been the theme song for most of the youth group at the time. But with all that unfolded between 2006 and 2008, Joane and Jessica’s story rose to the headlines: Two Friends, Two Kids, Same Father.

Both navigating the complexities of her own life. Processing yet another teen pregnancy with him as the father. When Jessica told Joane that she was pregnant, the only appropriate response was to pray.

What a friend we have in Jesus 

all our sins and griefs to bear

Joane was preoccupied with navigating through the thick fog of shame and disappointment in the landmine-laden battlefield of her own daily life as a teen mom in a Haitian household. She could only unpack the implications of Jessica's pregnancy in the silence of the night. She couldn't focus on the speck in Jessica's eye with a beam in her own; she knew her relationship with him had hurt others too. By then, she'd had a few months of walking through the fire— trying to balance new motherhood with college studies and work, figuring out what co-parenting could look like, and being hyper-aware that to the world, she was seen as a statistic. 

Joane knew Jessica would have the added layer of the world perceiving her as “second,” as she did at the time. Without yet knowing about Jessica's initial relationship with him or needing the details of Jessica's road to pregnancy after her own, all she could feel was empathy for her. “One foolish moment is all it takes. I get it,” she thought to herself. They would both continue to turn to God for their own sake.

And what a privilege to carry

Everything to God in prayer

Many of Jessica's relationships began to unravel: family, romantic, friendships, etc. and Christ was the only anchor she had in this turbulent storm. She knew telling Joane that she was pregnant was step one of many she’d have to take in navigating their relationship. This relationship would forever be different from any she had and would have in the future. For one, whether they chose to lean into it or not, they would be family. At that point, Jessica didn’t know what a friendship would look like between them. What she did know was that she wanted to give Joane space to process. Too much was happening all at once for her to lean on fleeting emotions and rollercoaster hormones. Her commitment to lay this all at the feet of Jesus helped her to continue to navigate the unknown. She left space for Joane to be there for her.

Exit secrets. Enter hard truths and vulnerability. No more secrets, just truth, even if they were hard. And that’s how they chose to proceed with the rest of Jessica’s pregnancy and their evolved relationship.

Oh, what peace we often forfeit

Oh, what needless pain we bear

All because we do not carry

Everything to God in prayer

We spoke with him together. And after, we still decided that we would raise our sons to know each other, whether he was involved or not. It wasn’t a pact against him; it was a choice for our innocent sons. They didn’t ask to be here and had no say in how their beautiful life story would begin. But we did. So we chose to make decisions that would benefit them. We chose to communicate and address things as adults, leaving them out of the “drama.” They deserved that. And, in doing so, we chose to continue to build our relationship together.

Jessica would soon go on to tell Joane's parents in person that she was expecting. Joane would then invite Jessica to her son’s first birthday party, big belly and all. Jessica would later invite Joane to her baby shower. There would be chatters, whispers, and shifting eyes. We saw them. Heard them. And it was hard.  

Have we trials and temptations?

Is there trouble anywhere?

We should never be discouraged

Take it to the Lord in prayer

But all of that had its place. It would only stay and linger with those who chose to partake. But not us. We moved like this was normal. With the humility of our transgressions on blast, God tenderized our hearts to trust Him and follow His daily lead through this new journey. We didn’t know how it would all play out, but we knew we didn’t want animosity and tension. We wanted the best for each of our sons, which meant the best for both of our sons. We were vulnerable and left ourselves open to God doing whatever He knew and saw best. 

Can we find a friend so faithful

Who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness

Take it to the Lord in prayer 

In choosing this, so many details just weren’t relevant to discuss at the time; some not shared until we’d be reflecting over a decade later. On we went. Parenting while being parented. Birthdays. Family photos. Graduations. Job and career changes. Adulting. Dating. Wedding and marriage. Moving. Having more children. Loss and funerals. Laughing. Encouraging. Loving. Relating. Reflecting. Refining.

While it looks easy, that’s not always the case. Refined Sisterhood is about doing life together, and allowing another person to help you grow into who God is calling you to be. Though it’s a safe space, there’s nothing superficial about facing your ugly truths and being held accountable. God has done and is still doing so much pruning, perfecting, and polishing of us through this bond. We are works in progress— always being refined by Him. So we praise Him and invite you to do the same.

“You rejoice in this, even though now for a short time, if necessary, you suffer grief in various trials so that the proven character of your faith — more valuable than gold which, though perishable, is refined by fire — may result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

— 1 Peter 1:67 (CSB)